withdrawn

at my lowest, i always ask myself what wrong i've inflicted on others to deserve all the drama i am suffering. my love life seems to have a penchant for the bullshit no one deserves to go through.  even casual bonds with friends are heading in that direction. i don't know anymore.

i meant to write the past weeks but work hoarded both my time and vocabulary. there were days i felt free, happy and carefree but it almost always doesn't last. and then i'd feel lousy, fat, worthless and ugly. i console myself and just blame it on the hormones to lighten my spirits up. 

oh yeah. i sorta got back with him. good thing i didn't push through with my hallucinatory entry of how happy i was when we talked again. sure, i missed him. i missed the assurance and the convenience. i think "feeling complacent" is the right term. but it didn't feel right. there was this force of caution and the imaginary voice that tells me it's the same fucking thing, and that nothing in his nature will ever change.

sigh.

jing, please look at these to remind you of how much he emotionally lambasts you.

i wish he had an idea of how wrong he is.