inevitability of things

i'm bothered. so bothered, i feel the minute throbs of vessels in my head.

for the past week or so, my mind has been clouded with mishaps, most of which seem to be practical jokes which are not, in any way, meant to be funny.

it all started after my SG trip when i finally decided to loosen my latch from my partner of 7 years. it wasn't a decision made with a heavy heart, nor was it a melancholic parting with teary eyes (on my side, at least). funnily, i was not that affected anymore. i guess the pain has finally reached my threshold. it's entertaining to see though how the inconvenience of physical distance that i once abhorred is working on my side now.

surprisingly, my favorite workmate's news of his intent to quit work broke me. it's probably because he filled in what i was deprived of -- an effortless friendship with the opposite sex that time and togetherness carefully crafted. it will all be gone too soon. i hate his decision, and i hate how incarcerated my emotions are in situations such as this. but i am not someone who hinders other people's dreams. i only wish him well.

on another note, the situation at home still hasn't simmered. the civil existence between my parents has etched even my son's view on my family's dynamics. i do not approve of their selfishness, nor do i approve of my silence about it. i find it disquieting to learn that people still view us as the "ideal family". i miss what we once were.

sigh. this is one of those times when i wish life had a rewind button, or a a pause button at least. i need to do a good, long, heaving cry to shoo the disappointments away. i need to see the sunset mirrored by the calm sea. i need to hear the soothing sound of the ocean waves. i need to rest my head on a willing shoulder. i need to be told that everything is going to be alright.

i terribly need my hope back.