puffy eyes

i type this with puffy eyes.  im tired. as fuck. 

one of the few things that keeps me sane is getting sick, as fuck. my little baby Tilly who I think is the only being who feels my pain, may be painfully sharing it with me. her little, fragile body is just not fit for this cruel world, and i am turning into this crazy dog lady doing anything she can do to buy her more time, for my sake.

i am stoned with all these emotions, mostly from a lack of attention from the person who i made myself vulnerable to. the past month after my supposed miscarriage has been just empty. him focusing too much on his shit, and me on mine. coincidentally, all these "emotions" are the least of his concerns. i have to remind myself that i am last in line.

why do i still aspire to be showered with the love and attention i think i deserve, when i know and was made very clear to me that that's not him. him not forgetting my preference in things is his love language and that he doesn't need to know what i want. that i need to be thankful for what he can willingly provide?

i need love.